Many Emotions

Right now I am having tons of overdrive emotions going through me. Maybe it is the lack of sleep that we have been experiencing with Elly these past two weeks. It could be that wonderful word hormone that many men chalk it up to. Or, last but not least, it could be that I am looking at all the ins and outs of my upcoming surgery.

Am I relieved that we know that my tube is blocked and we can try and fix it? Yes, I am. But I am also scared and nervous. What if I go through all this and I get nothing? I am constantly reminded that I need to be thankful for the beautiful blessing that we already have. Oh trust me, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God at least once if not a million times for Elly. Even during her temper tantrums I am thanking him. And unless you have went through a miscarriage or two you don't really understand the emptiness that you feel. I know that I am one of the luckiest mothers/wives out there to say that I have a wonderful & supportive husband along with a beautiful ray of sunshine that amazes us every day. But I feel that I do need to do this surgery otherwise I will look back and do the what ifs the rest of my life. I feel in my heart that the Lord knows our wants and desires to have more children. I am just waiting to hear from him in which way that will come about. Financially we can not afford to do IVF and/or adoption. So where does that put us. Right where we are are at this very moment. Here is what I am feeling like right now:

-Sadness at the loss of three babies.
-Frustration that there is no explanation.
-Guilt that you have a beautiful, healthy child and yet for some reason you are still longing for more.
-Jealousy at the people around you welcoming new additions with no problems at all.
-Shame that you are jealous of other people’s happiness.

I can’t even begin to tally up the tears that would fall on the due dates that were not meant to be. Ironically, my due date for the ectopic pregnancy was March 26th - Papa's birthday. But instead I will be having a different type of surgery that day. Not to bring a new life into this world but will be trying to recreate my tube so that soon we can bring a new life into this world.

I have faith in the Lord that he will guide us and that some day Harry & I will read these blog updates and will be able to laugh and cry (good tears - me not Harry) that the journey that the Lord took us on was so worth the ride. But during that ride...it is so hard. Don't get me wrong...I am not always like this. For the most part, I am very upbeat about the whole process. Just having one of those days. Just needing to vent on how I am feeling today. I try very hard to keep my days very busy and occupy my mind with cleaning the house, playing with Elly, cleaning the house and work.

In closing, I do say one and ask for one thing...this is not a pity party, poor me blog update. This is just me jotting down my thoughts and emotions of a mother. Please do not send me the emails and phone calls to try and boost my ego. I am doing all right. But I did say in an earlier post that I was not going to hold back and portray a happy go-lucky mommy all the time.